Normally we would’ve dropped this article closer to March 17, but somehow, St. Patrick’s Day has now turned into a week-long holiday. Hey, fine with us—who doesn’t love a good snake-banish?—but that’s going to mean a whole lot of Guinness, green beer and U2 coming at you in the days ahead. So, here’s some early preparedness to help you emerge from St. Patty’s Week clean as a whistle.


Learn Your History
Some quick research on the holiday yields interesting, factoid-sized results. For instance, did you know that St. Patrick is a patron saint of Nigeria? Or did you know that the U.S.—and not Ireland—was the site of the first St. Patty’s Day parade? Useless stuff, but, if nothing else, when some drunk meathead is bothering you, you can just bore him until he wanders off.

Cultivate an Interest in College Basketball
It’s March Madness! Get into the games! Is Greenbeer O’Grady starting to make his clumsy move? Just focus your attention on one of the 41 flat screens in the bar. That way, when he starts to get a little cozy, you can be all “Yo! Butler’s up five with two minutes left, dude! Beat it before I knock the Lucky Charms out of ya!”

Remember this Handy Irish Phrase
“Whiskey before beer / You’re in the clear. If the beer is green / Find a new scene.” Think about it for a sec..If you owned a bar, which beer would you dump the dye into: The Sixpoint, or that flat, undrinkable keg of Keystone that’s been sitting there for six months? Mess with this stuff and you’ll end up with a case of the shamrock shakes.


Wear Green
Yeah, a little pinch or spank here and there is a lot of fun. The 40th or 100th time, though, it might start to leave a mark. Like any other day, if you want to get spanked, just ask…otherwise, play by the rules. It’s only one day, and green sure looks a lot better on you than, well, bruises. Note: green thongs don’t count.


Rock the Jukebox
Thin Lizzy? Irish. The Undertones? Irish. My Bloody Valentine? Stiff Little Fingers? Van Freakin’ Morrison? All Irish. Get up on your Emerald Isle bands now, save yourself a weekend-long diet of The Cranberries later.



Be Careful Where You Order an Irish Car Bomb
You know, just because the bartender has one of them funny overseas accents doesn’t necessarily mean he’s Irish. There are such things as Englishmen in this country, strangely enough, and if you ask for an Irish Car Bomb, you might instead get served an English Face Punch.